Tag: fear

Welcome to wilderness

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[I was born in pain.
Just follow, stay sane.
Learned rules,
in schools,
But there were so many fools
just being tools
and it tore me away.
Still I stayed.
And obeyed.
And lion came.
I felt shame.
Others pain.
Was it all in vain.
All slain.
And lion came,
to me.
Too close to see
and said,
What the fuck brother,
we have a same mother
and you’re
Cowering in fear.
I changed.
Took responsibility.
For my ability,
capability
and said,
Thank you.
I was wrong]*(repeat loop)

But, I was born in pain
Just follow, stay sane.
Learned rules,
in schools,
But there were so many fools
just being tools
and it tore me away.
Still I stayed.
And obeyed.
And lion came.
I felt shame.
Others pain.
Was it all in vain.
All slain.
And lion came,
to me.
Too close to see
and said,
What the fuck brother,
we have a same mother
and you’re
Cowering in fear.
I changed.
Took responsibility.
For my ability,
capability,
and said,
Thank you.

1

Tea

tea-2906167_1920

I have been waiting for you.
And now you are here,
my heart says: this is it.
I am still hesitating a bit.
Maybe,
you just have some kind of a magical allure,
bewitching me
to see,
something, unreal.
Even if it’s all delusion,
I won’t live in fear
Who you are, I need to hear.
What gets you to going?
Do you like when it’s snowing?
And,
Would you like to come and see?
What’s your, favourite tea?

Sipping tea and chatting,
until moon rises high,
breaking open the shell of shy,
just smoke left form candle light
and you know it’s right.
You feel like…
You are completely,
utterly,
accepted.
And you are.
Intoxicating flavour
Sparking hidden desire
lighting senses on fire
in rising heat
Smell so sweet
this midnight treat
makes life complete,
You rise from your seat
And see,
this is an ordinary tea.
Collapses inner deceit.
Heart like drumbeat
and from defeat,
though discrete,
You feel,
Loved.

0

Control

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Tiger in me,
So soft, kind and cuddly,
walks around,
making no sound.
Improving skills,
Paying bills,
Why?
lost in doubt.
Wanting to shout.
Its purpose.
But nothing comes out.
Not even snout.
Self is lost.
Aim is lost.
Unknowingly brainwashed.
long given control,
Face drooling, playing a role,
Left only a tiny spark, from the whole.
From the tiger, there is left,
a well-trained kitten,
But it awoke from illusion.
Illusion of golden average,
To use comparison as leverage,
Overwhelmed by anxiety,
No need for variety.
But what about my dreams?
It’s all been beaten down
You dreamer, you clown.
To change,
To be heard,
And as I am following the herd,
constant echoes that new is baaaad,
are you maaad,
all rushing together,
who knows where?

I won’t play this game.
I’ll be a freak!
To reach the peak.
I’ll take control.
I want it all.
Obsession to live,
Share and give,
is waking me up,
form delusion,
and conclusion,
is to grow and give.
it has big allure.
accept pain, endure.
stand for my dreams,
even if it leads,
to devastation.
I would happily roar
and soar,
to unseen heights,
with obsessive action,
not giving a fraction,
of time
to doubt
and shout,
smiling ear-to-ear,
ridding myself of fear.
Shouting,
from the top of my lungs:
Tiger, in me, is alive,
and I, am, alive!

0

Road

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For greed or need,
following money’s lead.
But, the result is the same,
reduced to a slave,
or a docile little pet.
And, what I get?

Still, I walk on the hell’s road,
carrying its load,
and to self I vowed,
that, soon I’ll walk away,
yeah, that’s what I said.
Now, in the brink of collapse,
too tired look up and see
where I am going,
but the guideposts were showing
and devil was vowing
that better future lies straight ahead.
Just follow the horde,
that almighty lord,
they had all given their word.

Shocked, by a gilt of fear,
I’ve already given away what’s dear,
this was my ideal, in the past,
it did not last.
So tired, without any will to act,
I have already made a pact.

So, I walk on hell’s road,
carrying its load,
as a zombie, a walking corps,
following light on a devil’s torch,
a thoughtless slave
cannot be saved
if I am afraid.

Sweet familiar suffering,
and habit is buffering,
the need to learn and improve,
can I still choose
new direction and move,
higher, but downhill road is so much wider,
and unknown is filled with danger,
to my friends I might become a stranger.
As a dull minded corpse,
things are only getting worse.
When I live in the fear of death,
my soul has taken, its very last breath.

0

Later

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New day.
And what I say.
Hmm, not today.
I chose delay.
Old habits got their way.
Devastated, in bed I lay.
Inaction,
destroying satisfaction,
living a fraction
of what could be.
But I do not see,
an alternative.
World seems affirmative,
to my inability,
mere liability.
Maybe psychiatry,
can lead me from depths of fear.
To step up, with next gear,
as life really is, so dear,
paralysed, cannot go near.
Anxiety grows
as the time flows
obligations in rows
and past clearly shows
that I am utter mess,
and as I guessed,
there is so much to do.
Still, exhaustion fills
and kills,
all remnants of motivation.
Now, I sit in agitation,
sad repeating revelation,
but day brings reactive panic
it’s borderline manic.
In a moment of contemplation
I wondered,
with internal hunger:
Can it change?
Can I change?
And from the depths of emptiness,
sounds,
yes.
Haah, what?
Yes?
How?
And then friend comes.
Makes me laugh.
Momentarily happy.
And the seed of action
with great satisfaction,
restores forgotten order,
reverses hotter colder,
reverses cause reaction,
reverses feeling action.
Rises control and satisfaction.
Realise that feelings are results,
and I wait them to cause or change,
then I pause.
So strange.
That I was waiting for a fear to push me forward.
Am I really such a coward?
then I devoured
and it powered
bias toward action.
Intrinsic attraction,
to create feelings,
finish dealings,
as I can run away, so stressed,
I confessed
that stress,
encouraged me to avoid,
both important and inescapable.
But am I able,
to overcome instinct and thrive,
rather than just escape and survive?

3

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